Just when you think you have it figured out, when you have it all in check, that is when reality comes to let you know that you don’t. We must accept the suffering along with the joy and the love with the pain.

Today it became clear that I am still mourning for my Mommy after 2 1/2 years without her. Last week I noted that I hadn’t been emotional about her passing in quite some time  – her  60th birthday was on Thanksgiving and I didn’t shed a tear or feel grief. I thought, well, it has finally settled in and I am “over” her death. Then today, reality hit me.

While in a handstand of all places, I felt an emotional swell that had been lurking deep inside of me for some time. The water works turned on and I felt relief as each tear drop floated from my inverted head to my mat. As I lay in savasana I felt her there. I could not help the tears, and I didn’t want to. I am not ashamed of my sadness; I miss her.  I miss her laugh, her smile, her generosity, her love. Without her I would not be who I am today and I am grateful in the deepest part of my soul for the life and love she gave to me.

I’ll never have my mom back, not in this life. What I do have is her life force inside me and her unconditional love, and that is all I need. Though sadness fills my heart now, I know tomorrow that will make more space for love. My mothers death is a source of strength in some way, it has elevated my capacity to love and shown me a deeper meaning of the word.

Life is not always what we want it to be, but it is always what we need it to be. Accepting the fact that my mother is gone, that has happened. The grief and mourning I feel without her may never end,  and accepting that is the real challenge.

Like a fire clears the forest, my suffering cleanses my heart. Love will sprout healthier and stronger through the charred remains. The soil of my heart is richer for having been burned, and now I realize that all of my deeds in life have a little bit of her in them. She lives on through all that I am and all that I do; and that is truly all I need to know.

Gumsaba Boot Camp Class schedule Friday 12/5/13

5:30AM Sunrise Danville Womens only class – Coach Michelle – HITT Circuit

5:30AM Sunrise Danville Mens only class – Coach Allen

6AM Sunup Moraga Womens only Class – Coach Briana – HITT Circuit

8:15AM Sunrise Moraga Womens only Class – Coach Briana – HITT Circuit

9AM Sunshine Walnut Creek Womens only class – Coach Michelle – HIIT Circuit

11:30AM Cytosport Co-ed boot camp lite Benicia – Coach Michelle (private class)

12:30PM Cytosport Co-ed boot camp Benicia – Coach Michelle (private class)